YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
my mom making me talk to relatives
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.