A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
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I’m not stressed
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.