Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother