Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”