a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
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i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
August 8
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE