sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Meanwhile in Canada…
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
They did not miss in the small print
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.