Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
this isn’t threatening at all
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not