DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said