Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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grotesque if literal: baby food
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Mountain Goat : )
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.