[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
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Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”