I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
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Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
At Walmart during the holidays like..
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?