8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
wow he looks just like him
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.