Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
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It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.