me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY