When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I am, perchance
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Sell your car
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.