Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
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Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Brilliant!
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Siri: Retweet me.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?