Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
You Might Also Like
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.