Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
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me irl
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.