*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”