Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
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My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.