[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
But that’s none of my business
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.