Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
This is painfully accurate 馃槄
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don鈥檛 want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid鈥檚 teenage years
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
The Joker was right
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
If u see me talking to myself don鈥檛 say nun to me I鈥檓 having a staff meeting
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 馃槍馃挱
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 馃憤
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years