WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
yes yes a thousand times yes!
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today