Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
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I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Genius idea!!
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.