[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
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Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.