they really do be looking like this
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Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best