If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.