The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.