Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
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me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.