Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
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I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.