Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
what
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.