There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
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Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Air pods looking like an angry frog
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Well, this is awkward
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?