Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.