after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what