Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Alexa; make it look like an accident
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.