Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
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What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.