I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
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Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message