3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
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walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
me when i see my girls butt
Overindulged this afternoon.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”