If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
The future is now.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.