me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
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*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
*skinny dips into black hole
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”