Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Not today.. 😂
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work