I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
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When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.