*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
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Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!