Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
WHO DID THIS?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
S/o to @funTweeters .
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.