*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.