[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?