The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Breaking news:
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Time is precious, waste it wisely.