[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
based al yankovic
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too