Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
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beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
It’s a gift
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.