[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof